So, I have this recurring dream. It’s the same scenario played out in different ways each time. It’s kinda terrifying, but at this point, I’ve had it so many times that I know it’s a dream while I’m dreaming. But I can never get out of it until I wake up.

Here’s my dream last night: I’m at home, in my old house in Happy Garden. The doorbell rings, I open the door to see who’s outside. It’s a man with a gun. Now the right play would be to quickly shut the door and hide behind a wall – bullets don’t go through walls right? I never do that. Dude outside threatens to shoot me if I don’t let him in. I refuse. More people from his gang show up. They all have weapons. Soon, my front porch is overrun with men with weapons. By this time, I shut the door and try to exit my house through the back door. But these guys somehow surround my house and are waiting for me there too. So I’m stuck in my house, with nowhere to go, panicking, worried about my life. When one of them manages to enter my house and is about to attack me, I wake up.

This dream (nightmare?) has occurred many times in the past. It’s always me, in my Happy Garden home, and the men are trying to get into my home to attack me. The other bits change. It could be day or night time, sometimes they have knives or parangs, the men look different. But I always wake up when one of them enter the house and is about to kill me.

It feels pretty terrifying at times (I wonder if I yell out in my sleep), but I don’t do anything different. I’m not sure if I even have the option to. It’s like a movie that repeats itself now and then. I’ve become accustomed to having it, and have stopped looking for any meaning. But if there is a point to it, I wonder what it could be?

On another note – why do you wake up just before you are attacked or killed in a dream? Is it a coincidence? Do you happen to dream right before you wake up? Does your body know that you’re going to wake up? Or do you only remember bits of the dreams before you wake up? Does dream time work like in Inception (where hours in the dream world could mean only seconds in real life)? What is my mind trying to say?

I Don’t Wanna Go to Jail

The other day I read something interesting: When you remember a past event, you’re actually remembering the last time you remembered it, not the event itself. I don’t know if it’s common knowledge but it has been explored in one of my favorite movies of all time – Memento. Anyway, reading about it depressed me a bit. It means unless you have photographic memory, each time you try to remember something in the past, you start to lose pieces of it. Details will change, events will change, feelings will change, and eventually the memory will be drastically different from what it once was. It sucks, but that’s how our brain works. It’s one of the reasons why I like writing down my thoughts whenever they pop into my mind. I know they won’t be the same if I think about them again in the future – how I felt, what I was thinking about etc will all be different after a few days or weeks. If I’m in front of the computer, I try to blog them, if I’m out and about, I make little notes on my phone to write about them later. In addition to thoughts, one of the things I like recording are my dreams. Which brings me to writing about a dream I had last night. I recorded it as soon as I woke up, but details had already started to fade as soon as I started typing them into my phone:

I dreamed about beating up a politician. I had no idea why or what made me do it but I did it. He was unarmed and I had a stick with me. He was defenseless. Also, this took place while I was holidaying with my friends.

Anyway I was caught on camera, because I made no attempt to cover up, and I still fled from the scene of the crime. The authorities dropped by the hotel to question me and they told me that I would be going to jail. So for the next few nights, I declined going out with my friends. I just stayed in the hotel. I said I was gonna go to prison any time, so they should have fun without me.

I didn’t end up in jail, and our holiday concluded with no drama. Maybe I couldn’t dream what the interior of a jail was like, so my brain skipped that part. Or maybe the worrying was done on purpose to make me feel worse. Things could have been interesting or fun in jail? I don’t know. Fucking brain.

But during my time alone, I kept thinking to myself, oh shit my life is ruined. Nobody is going to hire me anymore. I’ll be a stain in society. I was going to have a criminal record. I wasn’t going to get a decent salary anymore. I was so worried. And I kept thinking, why the fuck did I do that? I wasn’t instructed to. Nobody convinced me or paid me to beat up that old man. I did it on my own! I was filled with regret.

And so, this morning I woke up feeling like I never want to go to jail, ever. Need someone to beat up a politician? Don’t call me.

The Mysterious Stranger

It was somebody’s birthday party, I was outside by myself having a smoke. Out of nowhere, this guy sits down next to me and we start having a conversation. He was a lanky Asian dude in a Na’Vi hoodie, which was strange because it’s been a long time since I’ve seen anybody rock those bumblebee colors. But he seemed friendly enough and we had a nice conversation, with Dota being the icebreaker. Eventually the guy tells me his plight. He didn’t have a place to stay for the night and needed somewhere to rest. For some strange reason, I agreed to let him stay over at my place. I mean, nothing wrong with helping out a fellow Na’Vi fan right?
Fast forward until the end of the night and we’re back at my place. Upon entering my room, he immediately sat down in front of my computer and turned it on. I’m not sure what he was doing on it, but he seemed very comfortable, knowing all my shortcuts and how to navigate around my system. I didn’t question him since it was pretty late and I was ready to sleep, so I left him in my room while I went to the toilet.
While taking a shit, a thought crossed my mind – what if this guy was stealing all my passwords? Or planting some trojans on my computer? That worried me a bit, so I quickly finished my shit, cleaned up and went back to my room. When I stepped in, I saw my computer was still on, but the guy was nowhere to be found. He had vanished. I didn’t even hear the door open or close. I thought to myself, “fuck! He’s probably taken what he wanted.”
The dream ended after that.

A Couple of Strange Dreams

It’s been a while since I’ve had some dreams worth writing about, but the other day and earlier this month I had two that I remembered to write down on my phone.

March 24th
One of my friends hosted a big ass party for his whole neighborhood. The roads were closed so that people could walk around freely. There were tables and chairs set up along the side of the roads for people to sit and enjoy their food. It seemed to be some sort of Chinese New Year themed event, as I remember a lot of red decorations and fireworks. There was roasted pork, grilled chicken wings and satay. Everybody was having a good time until some troublemakers arrived.

I was chilling with some friends, enjoying our food when a bunch of Chinese gangsters showed up wielding knives, guns and slingshots that fired long needles (don’t ask me why, it’s just what I remembered in the dream). They walked around with masks and bandannas around their faces to protect their identities. I had no reason why they were at the party. I just assumed that they had something against the host. Anyway, they went around the neighborhood killing random people – I had no idea who the victims were, but quite a lot of people died.

I remember cowering in fear, crouched by some walls, trying to hide from the gangsters. None of us could do anything to stop them. Even my friends who were trained in combat didn’t dare to attack them because they had weapons. It was a very strange feeling. I knew it was a dream, yet I felt so helpless and hopeless. We were such cowards.

The dream was still going on when I woke up. One of the gangsters had found me and my friends and was threatening to kill some of us. I don’t know how it concluded, but I felt pretty bad about it.

March 5th
I was walking home one night and as I approached my condominium, I saw a guy I had been trying to avoid waiting for me outside the guard-house. Since he was some distance away, I didn’t think he saw me so I decided to avoid him by sneaking into the condominium through the side entrance. However, he managed to spot me and followed after me. I took the elevators to the wrong floors, and used the stairs to throw him off but somehow he managed to stay on my trail. It was like he knew my every move.

In the end, I decided to confront him instead of hide from him. I questioned him – what do you want from me? Why are you following me? He told me that he needed my help. He wanted me to sell drugs for him. The kicker? He took his arms out of his pockets to reveal two stumps where his hands used to be. They had been chopped off.

I’m pretty sure I declined his proposition – I woke up after that.

Two vivid dreams. Strangely violent. I haven’t been watching violent or gang-related movies recently, so I’m not sure what influenced my mind to concoct such stories. Also, they seem too literal to have any symbolism though I could be wrong. Any dream interpreters out there care to shed some light?

Old Homes, Old Faces

It’s been a while since I’ve had a wacky dream, but that changed last night.

I was in my room in my old house (I seem to have a lot dreams which take place in homes I used to stay in – never in my current home), when I heard a familiar voice outside my door. I opened the door and to my surprise, it was my dad. For some reason he had decided to come back to Malaysia.

But the dad in my dream was very different. His face was how I remembered it to be, albeit a lot older, and that was the only part of him I recognized. He had grey crew cut hair (never seen him have that hair style in my life), and his was big and beefy. Like he had been spending the past 5 years in Texas lifting cows and drinking nothing but protein shakes. But that didn’t faze me.

He was holding my mom and she was holding him back like they were never separated. That didn’t faze me.

Instead, the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “how come you’re back in the country?”
I remember he was smiling as he replied, but I don’t remember what he said – or anything after that (such is the fleeting nature of dreams, someone NEEDS to come up with a dream recorder dammit).

Anyway, I woke up feeling really weird. I know dreams don’t mean anything, but I thought it was interesting enough to share.

So you fought an honest battle, but this was meant to be.

(this post was started on March 20th)
Here I sit in my room, barely awake from a dream I had last night which was one of the oddest experiences ever. I was at a company dinner, it wasn’t mine, I can’t recall who now, but there were ang pows given out, and I picked the one with a hundred bucks. Then later I ended up at some Inspidea company dinner as well, and won another hundred bucks from a lucky draw. I felt pretty happy that night, winning 200 bucks. Other events included me jumping into a swimming pool while dressed up in formal wear. It’s just amazing what dreams are made of. And when you think about how dreams are based on life, it makes you appreciate how wonderful life is. Life is brilliant, it’s amazing in fact. We should spend every waking moment doing what we want to do. But instead, most of the time we just spend it talking, planning, thinking about things, and not seizing the day by the balls and going all out; putting words into action and plans into motion.

I feel that’s what I’ve been doing a lot recently. Here’s the list of things that I said I’d do, but haven’t done yet: my comic, the artwork for my EP, a redesign of this website, sketches to upload to deviant art, pen lyrics for new 2storeyheart and The Wishing songs, finish reading my books, finish my work on time, and that’s only some of the things I can accomplish at home. There’s still stuff to do in the rest of the world. I’m already 25, and there’s a lot I haven’t done.

(resumed March 28th)
What is the point of going for something when you’re uncertain of the future? Do you do things to try and change things into your favor, or do you give up knowing your efforts will go to waste? Do you accept what you’ve been given? Or do you strive to defy all odds? What if no matter what you do, it won’t ever work out the way you want it to be? What if no matter what you do, it works out right, all the time? When do you know to continue chasing something that’s flown away? Does the man who takes his one last breath of air before he jumps into a pool of sharks think about whether he’s going to die from shark attacks or from drowning? How about the pirate with the pistol that pushed you off the plank? Maybe he thinks about the pirate shooting him. Or that giant octopus lurking somewhere?

Is a man idealistic if he jumps into a pool of sharks, and expects to not get bitten, and be rescued by some mermaid or Aquaman passing by? Or maybe saved from above by an angel swooping down from the heavens? How about what about all the water in the sea suddenly drying up leaving the shark to flounder around uselessly? What if the man yells at the sharks, “Hey, I love you sharks! Therefore, you should love me back! All my life I’ve been nice to you, I take care of you, I feed you, I study you, hell I even named my first kid after you guys! Do you know what I mean? Do you? Do you? And you’re just gonna rip my throat out like I’m some any other guy swimming in the ocean, can’t you tell?”

Imagine he did that, and the sharks agree not to kill him, and crown him as king of sharks and they let him be. But then, a Pit bull swims into the middle of the ocean and mauls him to death.

Set Your Dreams/ Live Your Goals

Why do people say ‘live your dreams’ when sometimes dreams are so easily achieved or stupid?

Like the other night I dreamt that I drove a car into a bunch of cops sitting on a table at a mamak. I see it all the time (cops at mamaks), and I could easily ‘live my dream’ if I wanted to. Would doing so give me a sense of accomplishment? Maybe. But it would definitely give me a life time in jail or a death sentence. Either way, it’s not something you want to do.

Half the time dreams don’t make sense.

Like a few years ago, I had this dream of being kidnapped by a hot girl and we were making out in the backseat of her car while I was tied up. I mean, sure that was hot as hell but how do I get myself kidnapped? Let alone by a hot girl?! I’m of no value (at least in the monetary sense) so nobody would benefit from kidnapping me. Maybe that dream meant that I should work hard until I become rich enough (or of some value) to be kidnapped. I guess one could interpret it in that way.

What if someone dreamt about murdering their parents? And they did it. Would they say ‘my dream came true!’ ‘I lived the dream!’

So in this fucked up world where everybody takes things to literally, I think the right word should be ‘live your goals’. Unless your goal is to become a serial killer.

You know you love your job when.. dream about your office. haha

A few weeks back when I was in Singapore, I had this weird ass dream that I saved on my phone-

I had a weird dream last night. Inspidea expanded and I came back to work in a totally brand new office with tonnes of new people and new equipment.
Loads of people left their guitars in the office.
We had a massive library, comparable to Kinokuniya and a quite number of hot chicks.
But all I could think of was, “Fuck! All my mp3s are gone! What’s Jason’s share? It’s not ninos-13! I hope he copied all my songs!”

The reason for my lack of updates- computer has been screwy for awhile and I only finished formatting/reinstalling all my stuff a few days ago. Now its fixed and I’m back online, so clap your hands and dance to some FTSK!