Ok, so I got lazy, and this post is being written a couple of days late. But who cares? Everybody’s been too busy partying this long weekend to realize anyway right? So, it’s the end of year. The time to reflect on the past three hundred and sixty days of my life. I apologize in advance if what I type comes out as incohesive and hard to understand dribble. It’s 5.46AM and I’m writing all this off the top of my head.
It took the better part of the year, but I have finally moved on. Yeah it’s been 2 years now, and I acted like I didn’t give two shits about it when our relationship ended. But regret and sorts of thoughts about her (mostly regretting the break up) started setting in the at the beginning of the year and I started questioning the decision. It took the sound of her happy voice on the phone and 30 minutes for me to realize that I should be happy. Because she’s happy and over me- it’s only fitting that I should be over her too. Hearing her say ‘I thought you would’ve moved on already’ made me question myself. Why couldn’t I let her go?
Well, I made a bad decision agreeing to the break up. To me I always had this mentality of ‘if you’re in a relationship and you think about a break up, you shouldn’t be in that relationship’. So I asked God (I had faith back then) for a sign. And when she suggested the break up, I took it as a sign and agreed to end things. I mean, who wanted to be in a relationship where you constanly argued over petty things, and each day you spend together is another chance to get mad at each other right? In retrospect, it was just arguing. Just arguing. I mean, come on, people argue all the time. It’s part of life. It’s no big deal. It didn’t mean we were unhappy. There was no infidelity going on. We were true to each other. Had I been financially stable, I would’ve probably thought about marrying her. I was a kid in love.
And there I went asking for external signs when it was my own heart I should have listened to. For all I know, if I had persevered and said ‘no’ or anything instead of agreeing to the break up, we would probably be still together, happy as a Happy Meal (why is it called a Happy Meal anyway?). Maybe not, I can’t predict the future. This is all speculation on my part. If only life allowed you to save and load.
For all it’s worth, Raelene, thank you for being an unforgettable and important part of my life. And if we do cross paths years down the road and I haven’t proved you wrong about what you always told me, I would gladly tell you ‘you were right all along.’ It’s been two years since you left, but I still lean to the left when I drive.
We all can’t just look back and complain about our lives, we’ve got to do something with it. Shit happens for a reason and you just gotta pick yourself up and continue. It’s all these little decisions you make. Every single tiny and insignificant (then) event that can change the course of your life. You can’t say that ‘oh, if I stayed with her I’d be so much happier now.’ Because even though that might be true, your life will be totally different. I mean since the break up, I’ve been spending almost all my free time with my friends. Getting to know some new and old friends better. Hanging out, doing shit that I wouldn’t normally do etc. All these things have become a part of who I am. They’ve changed who I am. In fact you could say who I am now is who I’ve always hated.
A hypocrite? I guess some people could say that. But I realized that everybody changes their minds, and we all take a different stand on things as the years go by. We can’t have the same set of ideals throughout your whole life. Maybe some few core ideals won’t change, but most of them probably do. For example- smoking, clubbing and drinking. Back then when I was in school and college, I was always saying ‘bah! I won’t do those things, it’s not me! Smoking is for losers! Clubbings is for losers! Drinking is for losers!’ Then slowly I discovered the joys partaking in those activities and now I do all three. I don’t know if it’s a bad or a good thing that I’ve become much more open minded and tolerant to what I once believed to be sinful and unholy.
Unholy. It seems that recently I keep getting the question ‘are you a Christian? You’re Christian right?’ which I always reply ‘well, I used to go to church, but not anymore. So I don’t think I could consider myself a Christian.’ Some people say that church isn’t essential to being a Christian. Well, I’ve stopped praying and worshipping. I’ve stopped asking God for anything, or turning to Him in times of need. I don’t live a very ‘Christian’ lifestyle, and Sunday morning church is the last thing on my mind on a Sunday morning. I laugh at jokes about Christianity (or any other religion for that matter). But does that make me any worse of a person? I think not. Why? Well here’s how I feel- I really don’t care about religion anymore. I feel that as long as I’m not doing anything criminally wrong or hurting anybody my lack of religion shouldn’t be a problem. In fact nobody’s religion (or lack of) should be a problem to anyone. It’s a lifestyle choice, and this is how I choose to live mine.
Another thing that annoyed me about church were the so called ‘Christians’ attending it. I’m generalizing here, but a lot of people seem to agree with me on this. Back then when I was attending church, everybody was real friendly and all that. But after I stopped going, it’s like I didn’t exist to them anymore. People who I thought were my friends ignored me when I bumped into them out of church. The calls stopped coming and eventually I was cut out from everything. Yeah I get it, I don’t attend church anymore, but does that mean our friendship has to end? It’s not like I was burning crosses, sacrificing virgins and bathing in goat’s blood as a hobby.
Hobbies. I’ve been spending a lot of time on my hobbies- something I doubt I would have time doing if I was in a relationship. So this is one aspect of my life where the break up influenced it positively. It inspired me to write songs, to play more guitar and to draw more. I spend a lot of time at gigs and playing computer games.
Being single has given me a lot of free time I can spend on myself or other people. I go out a lot more now. I’ve met many new people and made many new friends. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy spending time with my girlfriend, but I had had to divide my time between her and everything else. To me, friends have always been just as important or more important than whoever you were in a relationship with. So I’m not the kind of guy who disappears after getting a girl friend and then only showing up again after getting dumped/breaking up. Those kinds of guys make me sick. But boys will be boys.
Friends are the ones who will be there when you’re down with problems you can’t tell your girlfriend (mainly problems you have with her haha). They were there before you got into a relationship, and they will be there when/if it ends. That is why they deserve so much more than a disappearing act when you get a partner. Trust me on this one. I’ve known a number of guys who pull the disappearing act only to return after they’ve broken up. It’s not cool.
Positive people. I notice that people always say I’m a really positive guy. Forever smiling (or grinning to some people) and always full of cheerful things to say. And I think that’s pretty true. All my negative emotions are let out in my art (that’s why I find it so hard to write a happy song!) and if I’m feeling down, it’s usually something very superficial. I guess it’s just how I percieve life. I really do believe that ‘life is what you make it’, and being upset all day over something stupid doesn’t help. And if being happy all the time means that my positive energy spreads to everyone I’m with, then I’d rather be happy every chance I get. It’s not that I don’t complain, I complain a lot. But I always try not to bring down the mood of someone else. I never really know what to do to comfort someone who’s feeling down so I’d rather keep that from happening in the first place.
I guess 2009 was a year of letting go. Another thing very dear to me which I let go- my car. Despite all the problems it has caused me, it’s been my ride for the past 5 years. And letting it go isn’t easy. We’ve been through so much together. All the accidents, all the breakdowns, all the looks I get from people when I drive by (haha), all the people who’ve sat in it and complained about the aircond, all the fun shit that has happened in it, all the music that I’ve listened inside it, the CD player which I fixed myself and the list just goes on. Three cheers to five years, and may your next owner love you as much as I did.
Speaking of my car, another interesting story that came to mind was this tow truck driver I met. A genuinely interesting and nice guy, who spoke English. It was very uncommon for me to meet a tow truck driver (I’ve been in at least 6 tow trucks my whole life, courtesy of my car) I could communicate properly with and he was the first. We got along right from the start. We talked about a shit load of things and he even bought me lunch. Anyway during our conversation he told me some funny shit. I can’t remember what he said exactly but it was along the lines of “now you’re young, go fuck around and do everything before you get settled down. So when you’re old and married, you won’t get ‘itchy’”. When I heard that I laughed. I asked him how was his marriage and he said it was “okay” because he did his fucking around when he was younger. And those were the words coming from the same guy who told me I was raised well because I was well mannered. How else was I suppose to treat somebody towing my car at the back of his truck? Haha.
2009 was also a year for friendship. It’s been a year since that fateful landslide in Bukit Antarabangsa (wow, I know time flies) and a shit load of things have happened since then. I’ve made many new friends and have gotten closer those I knew. Been through ups and downs with them, and they’ve been there for me which I am thankful for. You guys know who you are so I don’t have to mention any names. But Seng Yip needs a name drop because he left us all. That traitor! Don’t call us when you get back. Haha.
Leaving your old house behind. I moved to a new place this year, and it was a hard decision but one that had to be made because of financial problems. Getting used to the new place took awhile. I had trouble sleeping for the first week or so. And then getting used to the route home. Telling your friends where your new place was. Memorizing the new address and phone number. And now I’m settled down. I do like this place, though a part of me still misses my old place in Bukit Antarabangsa. But it is more convenient for me to go out and get to work now. I now have access to public transport besides the taxi!
The year I lost my wallet. Not something you want happening to you. I left it on the table in a cyber cafe(stupid of me I know), played DOTA, forgot about it, and when I looked for it I realized it was gone. Checked the CCTV and saw some dude sneakily take it. Oh well, it’s gone forever, I didn’t lose much money, but getting a new IC, driving license, and ATM card was a bitch. Such a waste of time. I can’t wait for those microchips they’ll implant into humans in the future.
Finding out your bestfriend just got out of a long relationship. Someone you used to have feelings for but then moved on because you felt you didn’t have a chance, you thought they were going to get married. And then one day you mention to her you watched ‘My best friend’s wedding’ and say ‘what if I were to do that and interrupt your wedding?’. She tells you there’s no need to do such things because it’s over. Do you let the old feelings resurface? Or just stay silent like you have all along because you were afraid to ruin things (the reason you never made your move in the first place and then regretted cos it was too late).
And another thing I’ve learnt this year. Masturbation using pornographic images isn’t such a bad thing. It’s good when you don’t want to wake up the people sleeping in the next room (because sometimes I really like to turn the volume up when I’m watching porn, somehow it enhances the experience).
I wanted to write something worthy of revisiting in the future. I hope this sums up everything I wanted to say about my past year. Here’s to getting used to writing 10 at the end of the date. Happy New Year everybody.